Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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