i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
