He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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