I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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