Your mouth is God's brothel.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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