I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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