I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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