nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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