I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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