I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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