I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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