piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
