my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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