sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
