He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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