My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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