sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
