Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
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It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
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How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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