I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
