I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
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She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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