Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
