Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
