life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
