the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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