I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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