I will die if light touches me.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
