Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
