Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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