the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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