You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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