This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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