I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
