happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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