Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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