I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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