in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
