I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
