well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
