She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
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Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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