yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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