i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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