Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
