You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
