So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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