She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
