Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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