I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
