That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
