MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
