Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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