We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I am one with the molecules
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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