I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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