Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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