One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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