I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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