Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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