My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
