Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
